"It burns my soul, this fire between us,
Yet, I am cold"
"And as I stand here, still I feel it,
For I am frozen, and alone."
by Susie Singleton
I wrote this story as an alternative ending to Equinox. I found this episode frustrating & couldn't believe that Chakotay would allow Kathryn Janeway to treat him in the manner she did, so I pushed out the boundaries a little. This is my version of the story that begins at the end of the episode. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.
Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Paramount. I?m just having a little fun with them and not profiting from it!
"It burns my soul, this fire between us,
Yet, I am cold"
"And as I stand here, still I feel it,
For I am frozen, and alone."
by Susie Singleton
Good old Chakotay.
Well this time he couldn't, he thought bitterly.
Standing up, he stormed over to the large window in his quarters and moodily stared out at the passing stars, acknowledging to himself for the hundredth time that this time she'd gone too far with him, so painfully far that his hurt was raw like a physical wound.
For once, he didn't feel the calming effect the passing stars usually had on him, instead they just served to remind him of how angry he felt. Thumping his hand on the window ledge in an effort to release some of the anger, did nothing but hurt.
"Ow...damn her..." he raged to himself, in some small way enjoying the distraction the pain in his hand gave.
For all the hours he'd been locked in his quarters, he'd brooded over what she'd done to him and the humiliation he felt. His anger burned inside him like some raging fire, consuming his normally friendly personality, until it smouldered white hot inside, and it was from this that he drew the energy to do something about his situation.
If he'd been really honest with himself, and at this time he didn't want to be, because it felt good to be mad as hell with her, he would have realised that the argument he'd had with Kathryn Janeway was about something far deeper than just his contradiction of her orders.
Rather, it was something that had been brewing up between them for a very long time. Every time she did something he disagreed with, every time she kept that polite distance between them, he'd just swallowed the pain inside himself along with the confusion and rejection he felt when her hands strayed to touch him.
How she used those hands to hurt him, as they hinted at some intimacy between them that didn't in fact exist.
As he stood brooding at the window, the memory of their encounter on the Bridge came back in all it's humiliating detail and it did nothing to calm his temper.
For hours he'd paced back and forth in his quarters, full of rage and frustration, trying to make up his mind what to say to her, and when he finally made a decision, he knew she wouldn't like what he was going to do one little bit.
Mutiny?
The thought had crossed his mind, he couldn't deny it, but this wasn't about the crew, this was about him and Kathryn Janeway.
He, of all people knew there were many on Voyager who would join with him if he'd wanted to lead a mutiny, many like him who'd disagreed strongly with the Captain about her actions toward Captain Ransom.
Chakotay had even been surprised that Tuvok had voiced concern at Captain Janeway's actions, for Tuvok had always been very much Kathryn Janeway's man, but like all good Vulcans he hadn't challenged her outright. Tuvok was too tactful to do that.
Instead, it had fallen to him as First Officer and it had cost him his job and a whole lot more.
His pride, his self respect.
So, he'd spent the time locked in his quarters thinking about what he would say to her when he got out, as his mind ran over and over their last encounter like a holo image gone wrong.
Now the time had come to face her, he could feel his anger simmering away just under the surface. For a moment he held it there, it's power helping him harden his heart to her.
This time she'd gone too far with him. This time he couldn't keep quiet.
Stepping out of the turbo lift and entering the Bridge, Chakotay was a little surprised to see Kathryn Janeway already there. It threw him off balance for a moment, he'd expected her to be in her Ready Room as was their usual routine. Still, he thought to himself, you could hardly call things normal between them at the moment.
Captain Kathryn Janeway would usually be in her Ready Room before duty began. In more normal circumstances he'd have been there with her, using the time they had to catch up with each other, sharing a cup of coffee over duty rosters, or maybe even breakfast. Then they would go together to the Bridge to begin their working day. It was something they both enjoyed when they were on duty together, at least that was until now.
Setting his jaw in a hard line, Chakotay steeled himself for his first encounter with Captain Janeway since their bitter words over her actions toward the Equinox's Captain.
This time he was ready for her and the anger he felt at remembering what she'd done to him felt good. It burned like a fire in his belly, giving him a steely resolve.
He was mad as Hell, and anyone looking carefully at his face would have seen his anger burning there, with his eyebrows drawn tightly together, all the usual openness in his face gone, tension rippling across his jaw line.
No-one noticed, Kathryn Janeway certainly didn't as she looked up at him.
"Are you going to Neelix's get together tonight?" she said, turning her brightest smile on him, all innocence, as if nothing had ever happened between them.
God... but she can pick her moments to be nice to me... thought Chakotay.
Smart lady, but she'd got it wrong this time.
And he, knowing her so well, knew exactly why she'd chosen to ask him in front of the Bridge crew. Refusal from him would look petty and it would serve to immediately cast him in a bad light with the crew, and she knew it.
Straight away she had him at a disadvantage, so refusing to play her game, for if he did she would win, he smiled his assent in front of the crew.
Clever move... thought Chakotay, swallowing down the acid reply he wanted to make instead of the one he'd just given.
He wasn't going to give her the pleasure of further humiliating him. Certainly not in front of the crew, some of whom where his friends.
When she made a move towards him, smiling at his compliance, Chakotay growled under his breath.
"In your ready room Captain please."
Quizzically, one of Janeway's eyebrows rose just a little, in an unspoken question.
Good, he thought. I've caught you off guard.
He waited until she'd made her way into the ready room before he followed, doors quietly gliding shut behind him.
On the Bridge, Tom Paris turned and caught Harry Kim's eye.
They all knew the Captain had relieved Chakotay of duty when he dared to question her morals over the capture of the Equinox's Captain, but Janeway had made sure Chakotay was out of their way. That way he couldn't spread dissent.
Most of them privately agreed that Captain Janeway had got caught up in a moral crusade of her own in her attempts to catch Captain Ransom, but Chakotay had voiced it, and he'd got relieved of duty for his trouble, and confined to quarters. Paris couldn't help wishing that he could be a fly on the wall of the Captain's office.
As the doors shut behind him, Chakotay turned and looked at Captain Janeway. She'd chosen to put a distance between them by standing behind her desk in a move that was so typical of their relationship. It only enraged him further as it brought to mind a whole mass of other times she?d done the same to him.
"Off the record..." Chakotay began, fists balled up tightly.
Janeway noticed the fists. She was an experienced reader of body language. Sometimes it said more than the person in front of her was saying, and even she couldn't avoid seeing what message Chakotay's body was giving her now.
So... he's still angry with me... she thought. I hoped he would have calmed down by now.
Silently, she sat down at her desk and faced her First Officer. It was very clear that he had something to say to her to her that she wouldn't like.
His jaw was set in a hard line, his lips pressed tightly shut against the words that she knew were just a breath away.
In her usual manner, Kathryn Janeway decided to take control of the situation, but this time she decided to use a more passive approach, knowing it would throw Chakotay off balance for a moment, maybe just long enough to diffuse the situation.
She sat down, and was rewarded by a look of surprise as it registered on Chakotay's face.
So, she'd calculated correctly that he'd be surprised at her choosing to handle their inevitable confrontation seated. It put her at immediate disadvantage and it was that that had so surprised Chakotay.
Almost imperceptibly Chakotay's posture relaxed, the fists showing less tension.
Lulled into a sense of security, Kathryn Janeway sat watching Chakotay, acknowledging to herself that there was something different about him, but she couldn't quite place what it was.
Chakotay made over to her desk, stopping up right beside it with the edge pressed into his thighs. Screwing his brow into a frown he faced her squarely.
Damn her... he thought. She always get the upper hand, but not this time. A surge of frustration rose up in Chakotay that spurred him into letting go of his usual calm facade. Without hesitation he began to berate her.
"I disagreed with you... and I disagree with you still", he began, watching her face for some response to his words.
When none came he continued.
"You forgot yourself. How could you threaten to torture a member of Equinox's crew? It would have made you little better than Ransom! What happened to you Kathryn? Did you get so caught up in your self righteous vengeance that you forgot that with every move you were becoming more like him?? Chakotay placed his palms on the table, leaning closer toward her, a look of menace on his face.
Even under such extreme provocation Kathryn Janeway chose not to reply. Instead she looked her First Officer straight in the eye, her gaze unwavering, eyeball to eyeball, blue eyes like steel, boring into black eyes like granite. It was a mistake.
And it only served to annoy him further.
Chakotay found his palms had begun to sweat. He could feel their stickiness on the surface of her desk. Ignoring his discomfort he continued, the last threads of control slipping from him.
"I agreed to become part of this crew because I believed in you. I believed that you would never compromise yourself, at least that was until you decided to go after Ransome. Then it was OK for you to be just like him. What happened to you? What happened to your God almighty Starfleet principles then, or do you just bend the rules to fit yourself when it suits you Kathryn?? he finished, cruelly twisting the last words like a knife.
Finally stung into action as his cruel words penetrated her calm, Starfleet facade, Kathryn Janeway shot out of her chair and before Chakotay saw it coming struck him hard across the face.
A feeling like electricity crackled in the air, the unspoken tension between them finding an outlet after years of being held tightly in check; yet neither of them realised that they'd crossed a line in their relationship. This was personal, and their actions spoke whole volumes more than the cruel words they threw at each other.
This wasn't about being Captain and First Officer, yet both remained unaware, or were not prepared to address the real reasons that had brought them to this moment in time.
"How dare you... how dare you Chakotay! What gives you the right to criticise me for my actions when you spent half your life killing and maiming to suit yourself!? Kathryn Janeway stood right up close to her First Officer, blue eyes ablaze with indignation, angry tears smarting her eyes.
I won't let him see me cry, won't let him see how much he's hurt me, Kathryn Janeway raged to herself, in a vain effort to order the threatening tears to stay where they were.
"I only killed when I had to and you know it Kathryn! I was a Maquis fighter, not some tame Starfleet officer acting out your orders! That's why I left Starfleet."
"I never compromised myself like you did!" Chakotay's black eyes burned right inside Kathryn Janeway, right into her soul, his face showing the red mark from her hand, livid on his left cheek.
Stung again by the cruelty of his words, Kathryn Janeway made to raise her hand to strike him again, only this time he was ready for it. Chakotay grabbed her by the wrists, restraining her tightly in his grip.
"Let me go!.." Kathryn Janeway struggled in Chakotay's grip. " I'll have you on report... how dare you touch me!.."
Looking down at her, fire burning in his eyes, Chakotay was suddenly seized with the urge to kiss her. Instead of fighting the impulse like he'd done a million times before, he bent his head down and kissed Kathryn Janeway hard upon the lips, searing her mouth with the passion he felt inside himself.
For the few seconds that it took for Kathryn Janeway to register what was happening, she found herself returning his kiss with a passion equal to Chakotay's, then shocked at what she was feeling, began to struggle in his steely embrace.
"Let me go!.." Kathryn Janeway repeated, tears of anger and humiliation welling in her eyes, all the while her body betraying the attraction she felt for him.
Abruptly Chakotay let her go, turned on his heel and began to head for the door.
"I haven't dismissed you Commander!" Captain Janeway thundered to his retreating back.
"Get someone else to do the job!" Chakotay retorted. "You can find some other puppet to do it for you... " and with one gesture ripped the Comm badge off of his jacket along with his Command pips.
"Here... they'll need these" and threw them at Kathryn Janeway who stood shaking with rage.
"Bastard..." she spat at him, as the tears she?d been trying so hard to stop fell down her cheeks.
The Ready Room doors slid quietly behind Chakotay's back and Kathryn Janeway, unable to handle the pain of their encounter for one moment longer, gave into great racking sobs of anguish that rose up from deep inside her. Sliding to the floor, she sobbed into her folded arms as she hugged her knees protectively to her chest, in an effort to protect herself from the pain of what had just happened.
Outside the door Chakotay stood for a brief moment in an effort to remove all traces of their argument from his face.
Good... thought Chakotay... now she can get on with running the ship without me. She could do what she liked.
She'd never really needed him anyway. Chakotay told himself. and anyway he'd had enough of playing the obedient first officer. Some other idiot could do it, and with that final thought he made his way through the Bridge and ordered the lift to take him to the holodeck.
Looking up from his duty station, Tuvok noticed with some trepidation, the red hand print on Chakotay's face as he headed through the turbo lift doors. His quick Vulcan mind also registered the absence of Command pips on his uniform, even though he saw that Chakotay was doing his best to keep his head down in an effort to hide both of these facts.
For a moment or two, Tuvok considered the best course of action, then with a speed peculiar to Vulcans, decided that after a suitable few minutes had elapsed, he would go to the Captain's Ready Room to check for himself that she was all right.
Tuvok left it a full five minutes before casually requesting admission to the Captain's Ready Room, but as he went, he felt the eyes of the Bridge crew burning questions into his back.
Every single one of the Bridge Crew knew something had occurred between Commander Chakotay and the Captain, and their curiosity as to what it was, almost got the better of them.
Chakotay's hasty exit from the Captain's Ready room, and even quicker one from the Bridge, had been noted by most of them, and it was only the thought of incurring Tuvok's wrath that had made them keep their heads down.
As he stood at Captain Janeway's Ready Room door Tuvok wished that Humans weren't so curious about everything in the Universe. He reflected that it was always getting them into trouble.
When the door opened, it was to find the Captain sitting totally still at her desk, like an android, staring into space. Her face was fixed into what Tuvok could only describe as a look of utter calm.
He'd seen her look like this before, and it was never a good thing. In Tuvok's experience when Kathryn Janeway looked like this, it was usually because she was trying to avoid facing up to something she found hard to deal with. He also knew that she was trying to portray a calm facade to him in an effort to mask the tumultuous emotions she was feeling inside.
And Tuvok was not fooled for one moment by it.
Scrutinising her face, he noticed the unmistakable mark of earlier tears, and as she addressed him, she was unable to prevent the slight tremor in her voice when she enquired about the reason for his visit.
"Are things quite well between you and Commander Chakotay??" Tuvok began, fully realising that every inch of Captain Kathryn Janeway was saying things weren't.
Kathryn Janeway looked at Tuvok, unsure of what to say for a moment, then gathering herself into some sort of order replied "Not quite Tuvok, but I don't wish to discuss it".
Looking down at her desk, she picked up the padd she'd been working on. It was a vain effort to hide the extreme discomfort she was feeling from her Vulcan officer and it didn't succeed. Instead, it allowed Tuvok to catch sight of Commander Chakotay's Comm. badge and Command pips which he noted, she was hastily trying to cover with her hand.
So, thought Tuvok, things are far worse than I first imagined.
For a moment or two, Tuvok was more than a little unsure of how to proceed, but reassured by the knowledge that from past experience with Kathryn Janeway, her feelings would undoubtedly resurface in the worst possible scenario if they were not dealt with, he pressed on.
He cleared his throat and began in his best Vulcan logical mode.
"I feel it my duty to say that whatever has occurred between yourself and Commander Chakotay would be best resolved at this point in time."
When she didn't say anything he took it as permission for him to continue the lecture.
"I cannot pretend to understand the finer workings of human relationships nor can I begin to comprehend how disagreements can result in complete loss of self control and..."
Cutting him off sharply, Captain Kathryn Janeway rose up from her chair to her full five foot five inches.
"What loss of self control?" frowned Kathryn Janeway, then continued. "How can you possibly know what occurred between the Commander and myself? You were not present Tuvok" glaring at Tuvok she rounded on him, furious that he'd been closer to the truth than she cared to admit, even to herself.
"Captain... I am sure I was not alone in seeing the Commander?s hasty exit from the Bridge. Sparing her feelings he didn?t add, with her hand print clearly showing livid on Chakotay?s face.
"Whilst I appreciate your concern you can't possibly understand Tuvok! A Vulcan doesn't understand feelings, rather he masters them !" Kathryn Janeway fired back at him, more than a little ashamed that she was taking her feelings out on Tuvok.
"Whilst I know you have my best interests at heart I ask that you leave relations with my fellow members of staff to me, that is unless I ask you for your advice!" and with that Captain Janeway turned her back on Tuvok lest he see the effect his words were having on her composure.
What disturbed her most of all was that Tuvok was aware that something had occurred between herself and Commander Chakotay.
If he knew, had anyone else on the Bridge seen Chakotay's hasty exit and her hand print on his cheek?
Kathryn Janeway's cheeks flamed at the memory of the scene she'd just shared with Chakotay and her loss of control at his words, because if she was really honest with herself, she knew in her heart that what Chakotay had said about her was true.
She had wanted vengeance, wanted to hurt the man whose words hit right into her soul, and it didn't matter to what depths she sank, so long as she achieved her goal.
"Captain... I am sorry if I appeared to intrude... but I urge you to resolve whatever differences you have with the Commander before it becomes ship wide knowledge. It would not be good for crew morale. I am almost certain that others on the Bridge witnessed the Commander's hasty exit from his interview with you. Need I remind you that those same people will be allowing their minds to create all kinds of explanations as to why he did so, in an attempt to satisfy their curiosity."
Kathryn Janeway turned towards Tuvok, the tears she'd been trying to hide, threatening to fall.
"You're right Tuvok, and I apologise for being so rude to you." said Kathryn Janeway as his logical analysis of the situation cleared her mind a little. "What do you suggest?"
Tuvok regarded Captain Janeway for a moment, his fine features serene, yet his mercurial brain working as quickly as the ship's computer.
"Maybe..." he began, aware that what he was about to suggest wouldn't be quite the answer that the Captain wanted to hear at this moment in time. "you would be better to apologise to the Commander sooner rather than later."
Kathryn Janeway looked at Tuvok quietly, then surprisingly agreed to his suggestion.
"I understand Tuvok... and thank you..."
Tuvok nodded his head slightly in acknowledgement, then turned and walked silently to the Ready Room doors where he stopped, and addressed his Captain again, but this time as a friend.
"Perhaps it would help for you to take the rest of the day off so that you can spend a little time resolving this matter between you."
Smiling, Kathryn Janeway looked at Tuvok, comforted by the knowledge that Tuvok always had her best interests at heart.
Tuvok continued. "I will be happy to cover your duty shift for a few hours Captain. As you are aware there is nothing scheduled today that requires your presence on the Bridge. Your absence will be easy to explain should any member of the crew be foolish enough to ask me where you are."
Captain Janeway smiled a watery smile at her friend, blessing the moment that they had been assigned to work together.
"Yes Tuvok...I think that would be a very good idea."
After Tuvok had gone, Kathryn Janeway sat down again at her desk. Pulling her fingers through her hair in an effort to clear her mind of all that had happened during the morning, she sat considering what Tuvok had suggested she do to resolve the situation between herself and Chakotay.
Part of her, the stubborn part, raged against the idea that she should apologise to Chakotay. Hadn't he started it, coming in here, shouting at her, saying things he never should have said to her, even though she knew what she'd done to him was cruel and unnecessary also?
Striking Chakotay was something she never thought she'd be capable of doing, it was so against everything that she stood for, and for a while she considered how she'd ever come to loose control. When no answer came to mind, she gave up her wonderings, stood up, smoothed down her uniform and addressed the computer.
"Computer...can you tell me the whereabouts of Commander Chakotay?"
"The Commander is in holodeck one." replied the unemotional female voice of the ship's computer.
Feeling somewhat puzzled as to why Chakotay would choose to be in the holodeck, Kathryn Janeway tried to suppress the rising nerves she felt at having to face him so soon after their argument.
Well here goes Janeway, she thought as she exited her Ready Room onto the bridge.
As she walked towards the turbo lift she could almost feel every pair of eyes watching her from where the bridge crew worked at their duty stations.
Scolding herself for being so foolish, but doing it anyway, she flicked a glance round the bridge to find only Tuvok watching her with a look that spoke of a mixture of things. She could see support there in his eyes, and something else.
Deciding that it was encouragement, she smiled briefly up at him as the turbo lift doors opened.
Once inside the lift, Kathryn Janeway found herself letting out an audible sigh as she ordered the lift to take her to the floor where the holodecks were, then changing her mind mid journey, ordered it to take her to the deck where her quarters were located instead.
I really can't go dressed like this, she thought, looking down at the crimson and black uniform she wore. It represents, or rather, had represented, her authority over Chakotay, and that, she recalled had been part of the problem. Anyway she couldn't risk going near him wearing it, particularly as she painfully recalled what his last words to her had been.
Better put something on I feel relaxed in, she thought, hoping that by doing so it would help her feel more like apologising to Chakotay.
Because right now she really didn't feel like apologising to him at all.
Once in her quarters, Kathryn Janeway paced up and down for a full hour in an effort to decide what to say to Chakotay when she saw him, and at the end of it found herself no nearer to finding the right words than she'd been when she started.
Feeling somewhat frustrated with herself, picking up first this item of clothing, then that, yet discarding them all, she'd almost given up trying to find something to wear as well.
When at last she came upon an outfit tucked at the back of her wardrobe that she knew was a particular favourite of Chakotay's, she seized upon it with pleasure, sadly recalling that the last time she'd worn it, they'd been friends, laughing and sharing a meal together.
Lifting the fabric to her face she let her fingers wander over the cool surface of the blue silk blouse and skirt. It calmed her somewhat, so dressing carefully , she turned and looked at herself in the mirror, to be rewarded with confirmation that at least she'd found the right outfit.
As an afterthought, she caught her shoulder length hair back from her face with the lovely shell clasp that Chakotay had given to her in happier times. Fingering it's delicate carved beauty she remembered the laughter they'd shared when he'd given it to her.
Why had it come to this between them? she asked herself, as regret rose in her throat again, hot tears prickling her eyelids at the memory of the terrible scene between them in her ready room.
How had they ever become so angry with each other?
Touching her lips with her fingers, she remembered how he'd kissed her, hard and hurtful, but with something underneath.
Regret?... Longing?
And what about you Kathryn? She asked herself in the mirror, remembering her response to his touch. She'd never dreamed that the first time Chakotay kissed her it would be such circumstances, and for a moment she was ashamed.
"Pull yourself together Janeway." she ordered, smoothing the soft silk of her skirt down again in an vain effort to force the bitter tears back.
She had to see things more from his point of view, she thought. She couldn't go to that holodeck as the Captain. She had to go as his friend.
Ha... that?s if he still wants me to be one, she mused sadly, reflecting that they'd not really been friends for a long time.
I'm just not good at eating humble pie, she thought.
Stealing another glance at herself in the mirror, she wondered if putting on this outfit was pointless.
For all the good it'll do me, she thought ruefully to herself.
Especially after today.
Deciding to leave the outfit on anyway, she turned on her heel and stuck out her chin in a determined effort to make herself feel better than she did. Heading for the holodeck, with her heart sinking further and further to her feet as she walked along the corridors, she couldn't stop her mind going over the argument she'd had with Chakotay.
Oh...pull yourself together Janeway. This time it's humble pie and I'm choking on it. Wrong is wrong and I was definitely wrong... this time. She added defiantly to herself.
When she got to the holodeck doors, she stood for a moment composing herself. Finding that she was having to fight the urge to turn on her heel and head back to her quarters, she took a deep breath, steeling her resolve to try to sort out the mess between herself and Chakotay, whatever the outcome.
Silently, she stepped through the doors feeling them slide quietly shut behind her. Raising her hand to her head she brushed a tendril of loose hair back behind her ear, from where it had escaped her hair clasp. The smooth carved shell of the clasp brushed her fingertips and she held on to it like a talisman.
The material of her skirt catching in a gentle breeze, wafted round her legs, and for a moment she wished she hadn't thought of putting it on, that she'd left her uniform on instead, like armour plating that offered her protection from the feelings that were raging inside her.
For a few seconds she let her eyes adjust, and when they did she found that she was standing in an area that was so lovely, she recognised it immediately. It was a re-creation of Chakotay's home, a place that he'd often described and obviously so well, she couldn't mistake where she was.
Hesitantly, she surveyed the scene before her, trying to imagine the best direction to follow to find Chakotay, for that was what she'd come to do, maybe to continue their earlier argument, maybe to make peace, it was really up to him.
Whatever happened they had to resolve their differences for the sake of everyone on Voyager.
Letting her instinct guide her, she slowly walked down towards the river through an area of lush, green trees that grew up the riverbank. Carefully she picked her way along the grassy path taking care not to slip and give her presence away to Chakotay.
She wanted to be ready to face him in her own time.
As she walked, she made an effort to compose the nerves that were making her stomach feel more than a little queasy, admitting to herself that she'd rather have an encounter with the Borg than go through another scene like the one they'd shared this morning.
Coming round a bend in the path she suddenly caught sight of Chakotay, who was sitting quietly at the edge of the river. From where she stood she could see that he was contemplating the water, his back leaning against the trunk of a large tree that also offered him partial shade from the bright sunlight that was streaming down.
Watching him she noticed that he'd closed his eyes, the sunlight bathing his face in warmth, and for a moment she envied him his serenity.
Chakotay had long ago discarded his uniform in a heap by the side of a tree, and was now wearing very little more than his underwear. Kathryn Janeway guessed that he'd been swimming for droplets of water stood out on his skin, gleaming like diamonds in the bright sunlight.
Rooted to the spot, she stood there, half hidden by a tree, mesmerised by the sight of him, a slow heat rising from deep inside her.
"My God... but he's attractive", she found herself thinking.
What would it feel like to touch him, really touch him, she found herself wondering, angry that such a thought should come into her mind when they hated each other so much.
"What am I thinking?" Biting down hard on her lip, Kathryn Janeway forced herself to remember the reason she was there.
Their bitter argument.
Standing in this beautiful place, she couldn't help but face the consequences of her actions towards him, remembering afresh his cruel words, and the effect they'd had on her.
Why had it come to this? Why had they argued so bitterly?
Ever since they'd met she knew that she'd taken pleasure in their growing relationship, had depended on him, if she was honest with herself. Why, she'd even told him as much. Or had she really?
In her mind they were loving friends, good companions who enjoyed shared moments.
And yet... there were times when a look or a gesture had made her hungry for more than that, swallowed down and buried almost before she felt it; times when she'd almost given in to her feelings for the man before her, and yes, she'd let the ghost of Mark come between them, used protocol as a reason for not taking things further.
It had brought them to this point in time. Now she was here and she knew that she couldn't deny it any longer.
She'd gone too far, pushing Chakotay away in an effort to deny his feelings for her, as much as her own for him.
Fool, she chided herself. Now I've lost him.
Watching Chakotay, she saw that he seemed at peace with his surroundings and she found herself envying his serenity again. Instead she felt as though she was lost in this alien land with its haunting beauty.
Kathryn Janeway could feel her heart thudding painfully in her chest as she watched him, and it was then that the truth hit her, hit her so hard that it almost felt like a physical blow. She gasped as it bared her soul, stripping away any last hope she had of escaping her feelings.
The difference between herself and Chakotay was that she was only really truly at peace when she was in control of her surroundings and the people within it, and that's why she'd done what she'd done, striking out at Chakotay because she couldn't control him.
She acknowledged to herself that he was the one person on board Voyager who'd stand up to her come what may, even if that meant a scene like they'd had.
Her cheeks flamed at the memory of what she'd said and done. Fool she silently raged at herself.
My God what am I?
It was at that moment that she began to understand why she and Chakotay fought the way they did. She didn't like what she saw.
What have I become? she sadly asked herself, covering her face with her hands in an effort to stem the tears that began to fall from her eyes.
It was pointless, because they continued to fall, pouring bitterly down her face and dropping onto the silk of her blouse, to leave little stains like raindrops do, on its shiny surface.
Pressing her back against the tree she was hiding behind, she slid down its great bulk, sobbing softly as the pain of understanding came upon her.
After a time, when all her tears were spent, she stood up and took a deep breath. As the air flooded her lungs she felt some measure of inner strength returning, along with an understanding of what had brought them to this moment in time.
He was right. It was her.
Chakotay always told her she was too hard on herself, and in so doing she'd been too hard on him, always pushing him away so that she would never have to make any kind of commitment to him, hiding behind her uniform, protocol. Anything to stop her facing the truth about herself.
The mighty Kathryn Janeway was afraid of commitment, afraid of being left again. Now she'd hurt Chakotay, he'd done the one thing she was afraid of. He'd left her. Forced into it by what she'd done to him.
Fool. Now it was up to her to sort out the mess she'd created for them both.
It was time that things were straightened out between them. She was one woman and as she stood there she finally acknowledged to herself, that she was so lonely it hurt.
She'd so badly misunderstood what their argument was really about, thought it was just about differences in their manner of command.
How wrong she was. Now she had to ask his forgiveness and hope that he'd understand what she was trying to say to him.
Turning to where Chakotay had been sitting, she was surprised to see that he wasn't there any more. Scanning the water with her eyes, she saw him swimming strongly upriver to a position nearer her own.
I don't want him to discover me like this, watching him like a coward, she thought so she slipped quietly behind the tree again in an effort not to disturb him.
Chakotay was done with swimming. Making his way steadily towards the riverbank, he swam gently, pacing himself as he went. The cool water had eased much of his earlier bad mood and the cleansing properties of his homeland had washed away some of his frustration with the situation he found himself in.
What to do next.
When he reached the riverbank, he pulled himself up, his muscular arms making light work of hauling himself out of the water. Enjoying the feel of the sun on his body as it warmed him, Chakotay stood for a moment stretching like a cat. Running his fingers through his wet hair he turned around so that from her half hidden position Kathryn Janeway could see him fully.
Gasping with shock, she saw that he was naked, his body glistening with droplets of water like myriad diamonds shining in the sunlight.
Oh my God, she thought, mentally slapping herself in an effort to calm the feeling of warmth that was steadily rising up from somewhere deep inside her body.
I want him...
Chakotay must have heard her gasp and looking about him, caught sight of Kathryn Janeway who was staring at him with such a look of undisguised desire, that for what seemed like minutes, but in fact could only have been seconds, found himself frozen to the spot.
As he looked at her, Chakotay's dark eyes locked into Kathryn Janeway's in a bizarre duel of wills, something unspoken passing between them as they stared at each other.
Kathryn Janeway was the first to break eye contact, blushing furiously because he'd caught her out like some voyeur, intruding into his private world. She made to turn and leave, to walk away again, defeat laying heavily upon her as it registered in every move she made.
Chakotay noticed her down turned shoulders and deciding that there was no point in being bashful because she'd already seen everything he had to hide anyway called out.
"Come and join me Kathryn...the water's lovely..." then turning his back on her, dived into the glistening water with a splash.
Like a sleep walker, she followed Chakotay to river's edge where she tentatively put a toe into the water. Finding that it felt wonderful and cool against her burning skin, she laughed with pleasure like a child on its first visit to the seashore, and wading into the river she submerged herself in its coolness.
Slowly, she made her way out to the centre of the river, all the while watched by Chakotay, his steady gaze inscrutable as he waited for her halfway across.
When she came up close to him, close enough to see that he wasn't as angry with her as she'd imagined he'd be, she tried her best to match his stroke. Somewhat breathless from the exertion, she began to explain her presence in what was after all really his private place.
"I want to say that I'm sorry for my behaviour towards you earlier Chakotay... I was wrong".
Silently Chakotay regarded her. No flicker of emotion showed on his face and Kathryn Janeway felt a cold hand clutch at her heart.
Beginning to tread water in an attempt to stay level with Chakotay who was silently watching her, she tried to gauge what his reaction to her words were. Would he would reject her apology outright, or understand that she was truly sorry for what she'd done to him?
Whatever the outcome, she knew she had to see it through, so ignoring the growing sense of unease inside herself she waited.
When he finally spoke, Kathryn Janeway felt some surprise at his reply.
"You weren't all wrong Kathryn...I can be as bloody minded as you, but calling me a bastard... well, I think that was pushing things a little." Chakotay's eyes, dark as the water they were swimming in, told of the pain he was feeling.
Turning his back on her, Chakotay began to swim purposefully towards the riverbank with an easy, powerful stroke. As he swam his mind clamoured with a hundred questions that he wanted to ask her, but couldn't.
Why was she here? What did she want? Could he really forgive her?
God but she'd hurt him this time and this was one time too many. He just couldn't carry on as her first officer. It hurt him too much.
Watching him go Kathryn Janeway thought, so, he hasn't forgiven me after all.
Trying to buy herself time to think what to do next, she took a deep breath, then let her arms and legs float upwards, and she lay with the currents of water swirling gently around her.
He's right she thought. A bastard he isn't..
When she looked again... Chakotay was out of the water, and was sitting watching her float in the gentle currents of the river.
Luxuriously she lay paddling her fingers in the water, letting her whole body drift. The relaxation was wonderful and she made a promise to herself that she'd ask Chakotay if she could share the experience again, that was if they ever returned to anything like friendliness.
Truthfully she acknowledged that they were far from being friends. She knew that he was just being polite when he'd asked her to share his swim, that he was just trying to make her feel less embarrassed about being discovered.
That was so typical of Chakotay. Always trying to show he cared about her.
When she'd had enough time to think, she made her way to the riverbank, then remembering she was only dressed in her underwear, stood blushing furiously, unsure what to do to hide her embarrassment.
As if sensing her embarrassment Chakotay, always the gentleman, had gathered her discarded garments, and now reached towards her, her clothes in his hand.
"Why, thank you..." she blushed, taking her clothes from him before heading for the nearest bush to change. Quickly, she discarded her wet underclothes and instead put on her outer garments, hoping he wouldn't notice her omission.
When she returned, he was still lying on the riverbank propped up on one arm watching the water. Dropping down next to him she tried to stop herself from thinking about his nakedness.
She'd never seen him naked. Not even when they'd lived together on New Earth. Then, he'd always been careful to make sure he never forced himself on her. Now, he'd changed, no longer caring if he upset her or not.
And that was her doing.
She didn't like this new Chakotay, but she'd created him with her constant rejection of everything he was.
Serves me right, she thought, biting her bottom lip to stop herself from crying. She wasn't going to do that in front of him.
Glancing briefly down at him, she took in his muscular frame with the dark hair curling at his chest and over his belly. For the second time that day she was overcome with the urge to reach out and stroke his skin, to feel the muscles taut over his belly as her hand played circles across it.
Pushing the thought away angrily, she looked at the river in front of them and for some time they remained like that, he lost in his thoughts, she wanting to walk away from the situation she was in, but knowing that if she did she'd loose him forever.
He was almost beyond her reach now as it was.
Gradually, the beauty of the place they were in began to work its spell on them, and relaxing, they found that their silence had almost become a companionable one. Each of them, lost in their own thoughts, was acutely aware of the other and also that some kind of unexpected peace had grown between them as they sat there.
Chakotay found his eyes straying to look at the woman beside him. How beautiful she was with her hair blowing about her face, the blueness of her clothing exactly matching the color of her eyes. She'd undone her hair from it's clasp in an effort to dry it and with pleasure he noticed that it was the clasp that he'd given her.
So she does care what I feel, he thought, fighting the urge to reach out and wind a strand of her hair in his fingers, to feel the silkiness of it running through his fingertips.
Deep in thought, Kathryn Janeway was unaware of how lovely she looked at that moment, with her clothes wrapping themselves around her body, caressing her softly as they clung to the places that were still damp.
Chakotay noticed that she'd discarded her underwear, as the silk of her clothing accentuated her loveliness, and for a moment he thought she looked like a water nymph as she sat there beside him, with her hair streaming out around her.
Finding himself becoming aroused at her beauty, he rolled onto his stomach to hide it, his skin, as it gently touched hers, burnt him as surely as if a flame lingered there.
Feeling the touch of her skin so acutely, Chakotay was reminded forcefully of their argument, his bitter words that were fuelled by... what?
What is this fire between us, he asked himself, that leaves us so cold towards each other that we hurt ourselves so deeply when it comes? What fate has put us together, always to have us tormenting each other? Plucking a blade of grass, Chakotay found himself regretting hurting her, yet as a contradiction, wanting to.
Perplexed, Chakotay screwed up his eyes, concentrating his gaze on the blade of grass between his fingertips in an effort to push the troublesome thoughts away.
Feeling sleepy, Kathryn Janeway stretched out lazily on the grass next to Chakotay, looking at the sky above her, its vivid blueness reminding her of their time together on New Earth.
She remembered the times when they'd done something similar, watching the clouds scud across the blueness, and the laughter they'd shared as those clouds with their passing, reminded them of Ferengi's.
But that had been a long time ago, when things were better between them, when she'd felt secure in his love, taking what he offered, but never giving back.
There it was. Never giving back. Laying there, she was lost as to how she could ever begin to repair the damage to their relationship, to put things right between them.
Lost in her wondering, Kathryn Janeway was totally unaware of the effect she was having on the man next to her. As she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, he watched her, silently wishing she would open her eyes so that he could see what she was thinking.
When she didn't, Chakotay tried hard to concentrate on the blade of grass in his fingers, but instead found himself stealing sideways glances at the lovely woman laying next to him, her breasts gently rising and falling as she slept.
Painfully recalling their terrible argument, he wished that there could always be this peace between them. He was tired of their arguments. Tired of the undeniable fact that she didn't want him, and sick of always having to back down whenever they had a difference of opinion.
Stubborn woman, thought Chakotay, wondering how they'd ever make up the distance between them now. Things had changed between them. Or perhaps he'd changed. Perhaps he'd given up waiting for her to stop running.
Turning over onto his back, he looked at the sky above them, watching the small white clouds floating across the sun, yet leaving no discernible shadow upon the two of them, and smiling he recalled a time long ago when they'd lain like this, staring at the sky, laughing at the clouds that reminded them of Ferengi's.
Why couldn't she stop running?
He'd given up. Chakotay admitted it to himself, and laying next to her he realised that he'd let himself become bitter. And angry, so angry that it spilled out in his dealings with her. The one that he'd loved for so long.
Loved? No, not loved.
I am still in love with her, he thought painfully.
Closing his eyes, Chakotay cursed himself for the fool he was, angry tears smarting behind his eyelids like sand.
He lay like that, next to her, for a long time, wondering what ever he could do about it all, cursing himself for the fool that he was, for saying the things he'd said and messing up what little relationship he'd had with her for good.
He must have slept for a while, for when he opened his eyes it was to find that Kathryn Janeway had shifted closer to him, her body pressing against his through the thin silk, making him want to touch her more than ever.
He reached out his hand and stroked a stray lock of hair from her face. It was as silky as he thought it would be, his fingertips gliding down the length of it, and it seemed as if he'd wanted to do that for all eternity, forever wanting to touch her and yet not daring to reach out for fear of rejection.
You fool Chakotay, he raged at himself, in his mind realising that he was no better than her.
Their shared fear of rejection forever doomed them to their lonely place in the universe, each afraid to reach out to the other, across the void of empty space that lay between them.
Now, all they'd succeeded in creating was a distance between them that was so vast, neither of them could find a way to reach the other, even if they'd wanted to.
Yet she was here.
Stirring in her sleep at Chakotay's touch, Kathryn Janeway murmured something, then settled again, her breathing slow and measured with sleep, her body laying warm against his body.
Raising himself up quietly beside her, Chakotay looked down at Kathryn Janeway, guilt starting inside him as he noticed that her eyes were red rimmed and her face drawn and tired.
Could she really have shed so many tears over him?
Why do we do this to each other, he asked himself, pulling another blade of grass up from the ground beside him and crushing it between his fingers, releasing it's earthy smell.
Suddenly, he was seized with the urge to tickle the end of her nose with the blade of grass, to make her laugh, and wash away all signs of the sorrow that clearly marked her face.
Reaching out he stroked the grass down her nose, brushing the end of it a few times for good measure.
Sleepily Kathryn Janeway reached out a hand to swat at the imagined insect that disturbed her sleep. Instead, she found that she had Chakotay's hand in her fingers and a feeling like electricity passed through their skin.
Opening her eyes with surprise, she found herself looking into the dark eyes of her First Officer, and what she saw burning there was unmistakable, the message clearly written in the dark depths of them.
"Chakotay?..." she whispered as her eyes met his.
"Chakotay...?" very softly she repeated his name, all the while their eyes locked onto each other saying more than they ever dared to say in words.
With infinite tenderness, Chakotay bent his head down and brushed her lips with his in a gentle kiss that ignited the passion they'd both been denying to each other since the day they'd met.
Kathryn Janeway, finding that Chakotay's lips were not hard and cruel this time, felt the memory of his last hurtful kiss fade in her mind, like water washing through her, cleansing away the sadness she'd felt, and she gazed up at him with wonder.
Meeting her eyes with his own, Chakotay was seized with a sudden fear that he was going to loose her again and it was only the smile upon Kathryn's face that spoke of the reassurance he so badly needed from her.
"Kathryn..." Chakotay murmured, burying his face in her hair, not quite believing that she had chosen this, of all times, to stop running. Looking at her, his desire almost threatened to consume the last remnants of control he possessed and he fought hard not to succumb to his powerful longings for her.
Kathryn Janeway lay beneath him, her heart thumping so hard that she was sure Chakotay could feel it. Watching Chakotay?s face, she was aware of the powerful emotions that were raging inside him, for they were only matched by her own, yet the only outward sign of her feelings, her ragged breathing, told the man she desired that she too felt as he did.
It had been so long since she'd felt like a woman instead of a Starfleet Captain, and her needs rose up to meet those of the man that she loved.
As soon as she realised it, that she loved him, it felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders. Giving in to what she felt for this man who was watching her with fearful eyes that were full of desire, felt right. Instinctively she knew that it was time to fulfil what had always been inevitable since the day they'd met.
Reaching up, she lightly brushed her fingertips across his glistening skin, feeling the droplets of perspiration moisten them as she did so. Taking her fingertips to her mouth, she touched their salty dampness to her lips in an unconscious movement so erotic that Chakotay couldn?t fail to read the meaning of her touch.
It was time to let it happen, time for them to express their passion for each other before it destroyed them, time to let go of the barriers she'd created, for in her heart she knew that it was her that had kept them apart for so long. She had been wrong to fear him. Wrong to stop him loving her. He's right, she thought, I do want to control everything and when I can't, I resort to hiding behind protocol, even if it means denying myself what I really want, and I want this man more than anyone I've ever wanted in my entire life.
Kathryn Janeway reached both hands up to either side of Chakotay's face and kissed him with a hunger that couldn't be mistaken by either of them. Chakotay, gasping for breath in an effort to control the rising desire he felt for the lovely woman that he'd wanted for so long, couldn't quite believe that she was acknowledging what he'd said to her all that time ago on New Earth.
Could she mean it? Now after all this time?
"Kathryn?.." he began, the unspoken question lingering for a second, to be silenced by her lips on his, her eyes shining with love for him.
Chakotay needed to hear nothing else from her, her hand travelling down his skin, feathering through the dark hairs on his chest and his belly, burnt him as it went.
Like a whisper, his hand smoothed down her skin, brushing her neck, then down to her shoulder. So very gently, he reached for the soft silk of her blouse, slowly undoing the buttons that held it together over her breasts until it fell apart exposing her creamy nakedness. Gently, so gently and with infinite tenderness, he kissed her breasts, his tongue tracing delicate circles upon them, making her arch her back with pleasure.
Rising up to meet him, Kathryn Janeway drew his hard body down to meet hers, crying out softly as he entered her, then slowly, like the first fall of winter snow, he began to make love to her. As their passionate need for each other became a fever, they burned each other with the desire they had felt for so long, until at it's climax each cried out the other's name, their loving, the fulfilment of so many dreams that ended the loneliness, abruptly, replacing it with a belonging, and a feeling of safety that left them asleep in each others arms.
Later, entwined together in sleepy fulfilment, Chakotay looked down at the woman he'd loved for so long, tears welling in his eyes as he realised that his empty dreams were dreams no longer.
She was his and his alone. To his surprise he found that she too was crying softly, her tears shining like diamonds on her cheeks before disappearing into the soft dampness of her hair.
"I've wanted to tell you how I felt for so long Chakotay, wanted to show you" she began, "but like the fool I am, I used every excuse to keep you from getting close to me. I'm such a coward...couldn't bear to be hurt again after Mark ...so I used everything to try to keep us apart...and we argued didn't we as a means of outletting this?..." reaching up she let her fingers gently trace the outline of his lips and Chakotay shivered at her touch, to become aroused again, his hardness pressing into her soft body.
For a moment, Kathryn Janeway watched Chakotay's face, seeing the love shining in his eyes, softening their darkness with the intelligence and compassion that showed his kindness, and was so much a part of him.
What a fool she'd been. What a stupid bloody stubborn fool. All she'd succeeded in doing was causing him pain, and God knows, he was someone who'd never done anything to deserve that.
Shame washed over her, bringing with it the memory of their furious argument. Tears sprang to her eyes as she looked up at him. "Can you ever forgive me for how I behaved towards you Chakotay?"
"Kathryn... there's nothing to forgive... let's just forget what happened and remember this...Let's begin from here." Scooping her up in his arms, Chakotay held her close, feasting his eyes on her face.
Kathryn Janeway looked at him and knew that he spoke the truth. He had forgiven her.
Tenderly she kissed his neck, inhaling the warm musky smell of him and was lost in the feeling of being held by the man she loved.
"I love you Chakotay" she said "have I ever told you that?" as she felt the need for him rising inside her again.
"Maybe not today" he answered as he reached out and drew her to him, tenderly biting her neck as he spoke.
"Love me again then...Commander Chakotay" she asked, to be silenced by his lips on hers, hungrily showing that he wanted her as much as she wanted him.
The door of her ready room announced that she had a visitor, so quickly adjusting her hair to hide a certain mark on her neck, Kathryn Janeway called out a cheery "Come in."
She was half expecting it to be Chakotay but was a little taken aback to see that it was Tuvok who entered silently instead.
Tuvok was pleased to see that Kathryn Janeway looked far better than he'd seen her look for a long time. Thinking that there was something a little different about her today, but he couldn't quite place what it was, he resisted the urge to stare for too long.
When she glanced up at him, he also noted that she was smiling to herself, her hand straying to her neck a little above where she wore her rank insignia.
Tuvok had learned that Humans sometimes did that subconsciously when they wanted to hide something.
Tuvok looked a little harder.
Captain Janeway certainly looked very pleased with herself indeed today. Not at all like she'd looked when he'd last seen her.
Intriguing thought Tuvok. "I do not wish to intrude Captain ( but I really would like to know)" he might have added... "but did you and the Commander resolve your differences?"
Tuvok stood watching Kathryn Janeway, noting that just the merest hint of colour had begun to show on her cheeks. Twiddling with her collar she smiled at him.
Goodness he knows...she thought suppressing a smile. Damn Vulcan intuition!
"Yes Tuvok. I think that we can safely say we did." pausing she added "In fact I've decided that any disagreements we have in future will be resolved in holodeck one."
"Excuse me Captain?" Tuvok queried, eyebrow raised in question, puzzled at her strange reply.
"Yes, I think that's a very good idea." smiled Captain Kathryn Janeway, more to herself than to Tuvok.
"Dismissed" she added as an afterthought.
"Very good Captain" replied Tuvok, feeling even more confused than he'd been when he entered the ready room.
"As long as I live I will never understand Humans," concluded Tuvok as the Ready Room doors slid quietly behind him, adding never again for good measure.
Making his way to his duty station, Tuvok passed Commander Chakotay who was sitting smiling to himself, lost in thought.
Strange, thought Tuvok, I could swear that Commander Chakotay is fiddling with his collar in exactly the same place as Captain Janeway.
Puzzled, he took his duty station, one eyebrow raised that clearly declared his confusion.
"Damn Vulcan intuition!" thought Chakotay as he watched Tuvok from his seat. It's going to land him in a whole lot of trouble one of these days, then getting up made his way to the Captains Ready Room.
As soon as he was inside the door, she was there in his arms, pressing him up against the door frame with her little body, hands slowly unzipping his uniform.
"Kathryn..." he murmured between kisses, "do you think Tuvok suspects?"
Stopping for just a moment she looked up at Chakotay. "Don't mind if he does!" she laughed as her hands pulled him down for another kiss.
"Damn Vulcan intuition!" they both said together, as he picked her up in his arms, all thoughts of Tuvok receding far from his mind.
The End